Thursday, May 31, 2012

Que Sera Sera

In the future you will be reading this, but not your future, my future. I am writing this in your past, yet you still won't know what I have written until you have read it. Does this imply some deep and unsettling truth about time and fate? Maybe! But I don't want to write about fate, so I won't, which may or may not be my fate. Therefor, my belief in free will remains intact...or did fate just now sucker punch me into sneaking in that short blurb about it? Well whatever, either way my perception of choice and free will is still solid, or it was till now, my now, not your now. Moving on...

My Dad always says to me, "Well, maybe try planing ahead next time you genius." When you deal with controlling the future, you really have to give a lot of credit to planning. What would the future be like without plans? I can safely say waffles will not enter into my mouth tomorrow while I sit comfortably on a boat in the Atlantic without a little planning. Star Trek built a franchise around crazy cool plans for our future, like food replicators, warp speed, star ships, and ugly onsie uniforms. That future would be impossible without the dreams of the likes of Gene Roddenberry. My point is, dreams are just fate's way of impregnating our minds with emotionally charged plans for our future. That is why I never write my dreams down. And that's how I maintain my free will and beat fate.

Now what do the experts predict for our future? Michio Kaku, a theoretical physicist, gave this hour long lecture about what to expect in the year 2030. He talks about computer chips that cost a penny, driverless cars, toilets that check our excrement for signs of health problems, the manufacturing of body parts, and how aliens will finally get to watch Leave it to Beaver. I hope we finally get to see their early prime time hits such as Get a Load of Gleeblop or What's Eating Flazgard!

Kaku hits the podium at about 5:30 into this clip.

Personally I'm excited for the future, but it seems to be crawling towards us at such a slow pace. When 2030 finally arrives I will probably be too tired of waiting and have too high of expectations to be impressed by anything short of the invention of a diet soda that actually tastes like regular soda.

I have also thought long and hard about the past and whether or not dinosaurs fought humans in 1million b.c.

David laughed at me for suggesting such a thing, arguing that dinosaurs had been extinct for 65million years. He said so while traveling in a time machine found in a hidden hatch beneath Kyle's home, which I found slightly ironic. The answer is simple. What I saw was a time traveling T-Rex. Why I did not think of this sooner, I do not know, but the answer seems so obvious now! Dinosaurs had millions of years to come up with a time machine... and clothing for that matter, and that's all I have to say about that.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012


Everybody knows self esteem is based solely on your successes and failures in high school. Obviously I graduated with honors and in the top 10% of my class. And yes, that was well worth cutting myself off from a fruitful social life that would have possibly lead to future business partnerships. I made up for my social starvation later though in college.

I loved college. The slate was wiped clean there, and I could re-invent myself with every new major I changed to. That reset-ability did great things for my self esteem. I was no longer tied down by an embarrassing track record, upheld by what seemed like an entire school. I know, what a narcissistic obsession. I thought I was defined by the crushes that rejected me, or the friends that forgot my birthday, but on the flip side, I thought I was completely validated and accepted by the collective when I won best actor for a play I was in my senior year.

Looking back, the biggest mistakes I made growing up were over think everything, and giving in way too much to an insatiable voice inside me that desperately had to know how other people thought of me. I tried too hard to please too many at once. I became a chameleon, or a worm...which ever metaphor pleases you best.

There were a few experiences that broke me of this cycle of trying to make everybody happy. One experience happened while I was about a year into stand-up comedy. I considered myself a failure unless I made 100% of the crowd laugh at every joke I told. If everyone didn't laugh, that meant a joke wasn't funny. But after about a year of telling the same jokes to different types of audiences it dawned on me that most jokes just didn't hit home with everyone, and in fact the more a joke was dialed into a specific demographic, those people seemed to appreciate it. I was happier making 5 people in the back of the room laugh than winning over the whole room. It meant so much more to me that those 5 people got my unique brand of comedy, and that's when I broke free and started writing the types of jokes that really defined me.

Now I stretch myself to relate to as many people as possible, but starting from my own point of view, I am allowed to be myself up there, not some conglomeration, or multifaceted entertainment machine. I do want people to understand and appreciate my comedy, and it's really amazing when that happens but it doesn't shatter my identity now when they don't. Coincidentally, my new comedy album, Calculated is out and available on my website You can digitally download it, you don't have to wait for me to ship it to you, thus adding to the your carbon footprint. It is guilt free comedy!

Also I mentioned this NBA clip during the podcast about how veteran players treat their rookie teammates.


I found this to be mostly good humored, and I understand the need to humble cocky newbies. In fact, I think this ritual should reach farther, I'm thinking we really need to start the humbling process at birth. There is nothing more unnerving than a smug baby staring you down as you throw away their diaper. 

Also don't forget to check out for more extras.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


When I was thirteen I must have gone with my older sister to see Jurassic Park 20 times when it was in theaters. It amazed me that they could use frog genes to patch up the missing dinosaur genes. I thought this was going to inflate the market on frogs so that summer I became frog hunter. At our local golf course, I caught at least 40 frogs but my mom rejected my business model I had to liquidate my assets... I mean I returned them to their pond. My dreams of making a Dino Frog were crushed.

In the movie they made the dinosaurs sterile. They gave them the "Terminator gene", which is probably what made the movie so awesome. I understand why geneticists make their living Lego's sterile. You wouldn't want a scientist creating an out of control creature that totally dominated the rest of the animal kingdom without some fail safe, thus giving a rogue species the ability to multiply, generation after generation, until it filled the entire planet. God didn't make us sterile, so his fail safe was a global flood and a floating zoo. And that's how we got rainbows! Do I believe in such miracles? Yes, how else would you explain the existence of chocolate chip pumpkin bread?!

This clip is cool. It explains how our genes tell our cells what to be and what to do.

What I would like to know is do the cells have a say in it? Say you are told to become a skin cell in the armpit region, but you feel morally opposed to it. Can you say, "suck it genes, I'm going all the way to the top!", then make your way to the head and become ear skin? That would be a much more noble existence. Perhaps on the cellular level you wouldn't be so self aware. I certainly don't know what my cells are thinking, with the exception of my brain cells, they won't shut up! Sometimes I'd really like to know what the other cells are thinking. I imagine the older toe cells giving advice to the younger ones, "Well, I'm going to become a toenail soon, it's a great sacrifice some of you might have to make one day, if your tough enough. We gotta keep you softer cells safe! Remember, mutating may look fun in the movies, but it isn't. The antibodies will come after you and they'll banish you, like your uncle Bob. Don't forget your protein shakes, and I love you!" Well, I think I need to do more research on this topic.

Thursday, May 3, 2012


Gravity, it's what makes the world go round I think. The most important thing to remember about gravity is that when you go to smaller planet you will weigh much less. I call this the intergalactic planetary diet and I believe the Beastie Boys will spearhead an ad campaign for it. Well maybe holograms of them will anyway.

We ran short on time on this episode and one of the clips I wanted to share was about how stars are born. They start out as large amounts of gas particles that slowly gravitate towards each other and eventually heat up to, I don't know 10 million degrees or so and then they become nuclear as Hydrogen fuses into Helium, which makes balloons that float. These balloons then spit in the face of gravity as they fly off into space. They then fuse together into a large enough ball of balloons to carry an old mans house, say 10 million. And that is how gravity is responsible for the movie Up. And movies are where stars are born. Today's clip will explain.

OK so the clip left out the balloons, but you get the point.

Now to the wobbling star thing I was trying to explain during the podcast. Astronomers use the Doppler Shift to tell if light is moving towards you or away from you. So if a stars light keeps shifting from redder to bluer that means it is wobbling and therefore intoxicated, it could also mean that a small unseen planet it pulling on it. Much like when you spin around holding a ball on a rope, you are probably drunk.

Here is a picture illustrating my point, but the scale of the telescope is a bit off.