Wednesday, July 25, 2012


When I was a kid my best friend explained fame to me. He said famous people have been sprinkled with pixie dust, and if you get close to them a little bit of their pixie dust rubs off on you.

As an adult I think of fame more as a numbers game. If you were to wash up on a deserted island, you would be the most famous person on that island. So who is the most famous person in the multiverse? Well I did some research on this. I had to call in a lot of favors to my buddies up in the 5th dimension, but I found the guy, well 8 billion quantum copies of the same guy. His name is Norm and he's famous for his vegan tuna casserole.

"Tuna Casserole, big deal!", you might say, but Norm is much more famous than anyone including the Beatles, not because of his charisma or even his contributions to the culinary arts, but because of simple calculus. As the sum of all universes that include a cable cooking show featuring Norm, approaches infinity, his level of fame also approaches infinity. Therefore his fame is limitless, if my application of limits is correct.

The function looks something like this   x represents one of infinitely many universes and the 2 is for how many people on average actually watch his show in all the universes. As you can see, 2 (the constant) could be any positive real number, meaning even if there were only an average of 1/10 viewers watching per universe, and there are infinitely many universes then the limit to his fame would still be infinite. Comment below if you're confused.

Norm however is an anomaly, in that he is consistently, albeit mildly, famous across every know universe in the multiverse. The point of all of this is that it is important to quantify and contextualize one's claim to any level of fame. That being said, consider John Lennon's response to the planet Earth's response to his claim that, statistically, the Beatles were more famous than Jesus. He claimed to be taken out of context. Which is ironic because not even he could "Imagine" the context or immensity of Norm's level of multiversical fame.

Even with actual footage of John Lennon's interview, his words were miss interpreted. Context is everything, but everything is hard to know, and even harder to interpret. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Now that every smart phone has a camera attached to it, we must all do our part in documenting everything. Big brother has enabled countless little brothers to record everything from paint drying to major regime changes. Unfortunately some little brothers never learned how to hold their cell phone horizontally while filming, and the aspect ratio gets thrown completely off. What's worse is when the phone glitches and you do turn it horizontally but the software doesn't know it and then you have to turn your head just to see some guy slip on a buttered floor. I also want to point out that cats haven't been this popular since agent Egypt. I predict a future cat hall of fame with golden statues of most viewed YouTube cats...perhaps a similar thing happened with the Egyptians, and cats weren't worshiped, they were just really really funny. 

This brings me to my final point, famous animal paparazzi! "Donald over here! Is it true you eat worms?"

For more on what ducks eat, click here.

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